Or more realistically seldom to never asked questions. I suppose one could say they are questions I have asked myself but if that were the case then strictly speaking the list would look like this:
1. How did it come to this?
2. I wonder if they will have forgotten yet?
3. Is it time to go and root through the bins outside the kebab shop yet?
But I digress.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
1. Isn't starting a blog on how you would run Doctor Who massively arrogant?
Why yes it is. In fact I would go so far as to describe it as a monstrous act of hubris on a par with anything from classical mythology.
2. So do you actually expect anything to come from this?
I'm not deluded. The best I hope for from this is that it will amuse some other Doctor Who fans, I may get a few tips and I may get a better understanding of the difficulties of running a tv show.
I expect that were anyone associated with the production ever to see this they would piss themselves laughing, pour themselves a stiff drink and forward the link to everyone else on the team. Who would also piss themselves laughing. It's only fair.
3. Why do you hate black people?
I do not hate black people.
4. So what format will Doctor Who take?
The current format, with a mixture of standalone and two parters in a series works. The old serial format was a dinosaur by the time Tom Baker was eying up the new bird playing Romana. I'd expand the episode length to an hour and cut the season length down to ten.
5. Um... Why?
An hour seems like a comfier length for advert free British tv than the current 'well it'll make it easier to sell to Johnny Foreigner' 45 minutes and making less stories a year will save time and money.
6. Ok, seems reasonable. Will the show keep the same time slot in the year?
Absolutely not. Doctor Who should be shown as the nights draw in, not in the height of summer when most sensible people are out having barbecues or drinking cider with sexually liberated girls named Rosie in nearby fields. The first episode of Doctor Who will be shown towards the end of September.
7. Where does this leave the Christmas Specials?
I'm not sure, it would be pretty weak to have only a few weeks break between the end of season episode and the 'Special' so I'm afraid I may have to ditch them. Maybe an Easter special instead?
8. So I have a long list of technical questions involving film stock and the like.
I leave that stuff to the techies - or 'serfs' as we shall now be calling them. We'll be shooting on film though because it looks better.
9. So do you think Doctor Who is a children's show, a family sho...
A children's show.
10. But its made by the drama department not CBBC...
Don't care. It's a children's show. Any episode of Doctor Who that isn't giving eight year olds nightmares isn't doing its job properly. Everyone else is along for the ride.
11. So what do you think Doctor Who should be?
The wonder of Doctor Who is that it can be different things at different times. Just because I would make the show one way doesn't mean I think any other styles are less valid. Except for the New Adventures obviously. They were just shit.
At its core Who should be simple stories about a smart bloke who turns up in various times and places in his malfunctioning time machine, finds something nasty and beats it. Not because he has to, or because it's his job or anything but because it's the right thing to do.
The Who universe is a dangerous, terrifying place where nearly everything wants to do something horrible to you and the Doctor can barely step out of the Tardis without good people dropping like flies all about him yet he never loses his sense of humour or belief that the little people matter.
12. So seriously, why do you hate black people?
Look what the hell is this all about?